Our hearts were young… just young.
Everytime I try to write something, I’d always end up staring at this empty screen, while the cursor constantly blinking in front of me.
It has happened to me one too many times already, yet here I am, gathering as many thoughts as possible to write a decent entry to this virtual wasteland.
4.03 in the morning. It’s around this time when I’d usually feel like saying something, or when various ideas flood in my head.
But right now, it feels as if it’s all empty and dried up.
Just minutes ago, I went downstairs. I took another full liter of vodka that mom bought recently. She never questions me why after she buys it, it goes missing for days till the bottle shows up empty in my trashcan. Perhaps she knows I’m that much of a drunkard, or I have personal issues myself. For a kid my age, it’s kinda normal to drink every now and then, and have personal issues.
But it feels weird for me.
You see, when I was young, I’m the type of kid you’d usually label as the ‘goody-two shoes’ kind. I grew up being brought to and fetched from school up until I was in junior year. I never argued, because I got free rides instead of being hassled by the non-stop piling up of people within a bus or a jeepney.
Towards the end of my junior year, I felt this weird rush of emotions that I never seemed to notice before. Or perhaps, I kept on shrugging it off till it all piled up and eventually spilled out all over me.
He was just but a childhood friend to me back then. Although he was four years older than me, we played a lot. We goofed off and ran away (but eventually went home when night came), and we even buy stuff that’s the same.
We didn’t mind. We didn’t care. We were young back then. What did we know, right? Eventually, I’ve developed this strange feeling for him. I never told him about it, because I was scared of what might happen to the 6 years of friendship we’ve had.
We eventually grew up and we grew apart in some ways. We moved and I never heard from him since.
Christmas Eve, 2007. I was surprised to see people I don’t know in our dining area. I had to pull mom out of the dining area to ask who those people are.
“You’ve really grown a lot,” mom said, “you can’t even recognize your childhood best friend.”
I froze for about five seconds till I thawed out. It was him, but I didn’t immediately recognize him.
He wasn’t that tall when I left. His eyes were not that slanty when I left. He didn’t sport that spiked up hair when I left. He didn’t have that deep, husky voice when I left.
He wasn’t that perfect when I left.
It felt awkward eating Christmas dinner that time. He was sitting beside me but I felt that he’s a thousand miles too close. I barely touched my food and only spoke when his mom asked me questions. From my periphery, I stalked every move he made. Oh, how his smile pierced my young heart. His voice, resounding in my ear. His laughter drowned me and put me in trance.
I still am not convinced that it’s him.
After several hours, he nudged me. I ignored him thinking that it was just an accident. But secretly I hoped that he intentionally nudged me.
There it is again. It wasn’t an accident.
I looked at him. He smiled at me and asked how I was doing. My knees were shaking uncontrollably and I couldn’t answer. I looked around me, mom, dad and tia were busy talking. I looked at him again, opened my mouth and tried to say something. But nothing came out of my mouth. It was an embarrassing sight. I felt my face turn bright red so I looked down again.
He just chuckled and said, ”Di mo kasi ako kilala.”
I looked at him again, he was too busy twirling his pasta. He looked at me again and asked, “Ano na?” ending it with a small smile.
I mustered my guts and said that I’m doing fine. He nodded his head and excused himself. He stood up and walked towards the kitchen.
‘Did I answer wrong?’ I thought, ‘All I said was I’m doing fine.’
He came back holding two glasses of water. He handed the other one to me and sat back down. I felt relieved. I thought, for a moment that I said something else; something that I should never speak of.
He didn’t talk anymore after asking that question. I didn’t bother to ask him anything. In fact, I was too scared to ask him anything.
Once again, he excused himself from us. He asked me to tag along with him and stroll around our neighborhood. Mom and tia allowed us to go, so we left the dinner table immediately.
Upon strolling, he pulled out a pack of cigarette from his pocket. Lit it up and blew out smoke puffs.
“Since when did you start smoking?” I asked him, half angry.
“Hey, I’m one year past being legal already. Wag mo akong pagalitan. Pero don’t tell mom. She’ll be mad at me pag nalaman nya.” he defensively said.
After two sticks and several blocks, he eventually tired out. We sat on the sidewalk and just chilled. He talked a lot, telling me stories about what happened to our neighborhood after we left. I pretended like I was listening, but I just kept staring at him. My knees started to shake uncontrollably yet again.
Great timing, I thought.
He laughed at me and asked me what’s wrong. I told him it was just cold. He handed me a stick and told me to just smoke. I was hesitant, but just like every average teenagers out there, I dared myself and smoked it. He said I was doing it wrong and taught me the proper way of doing it.
When I already started doing it right, he rubbed my hair to a mess just like when we were kids. I was now convinced that it was him. It was really, really him.
“I missed that.” I whispered, “I missed you.”
“I missed you too. I had no other close friends when you left.” he responded.
I looked at him and smiled. He smiled back.
We talked about a lot of things that we forgot about the time. We stood up and walked back home. He put his arm around my shoulder and called me dude.
I felt my heart skip a beat that time, and it felt like a scene in the movies.
I couldn’t judge if it was the right timing or not when we got back home. They were about to leave and mom & dad were already saying goodbye to tia. My smile eventually melted into a straight face as I bid my goodbye to him. I didn’t even look at him when I said goodbye.
Just before tia’s car started to move, he rolled down the windows of the passenger seat and said:
“Dude! We’ll chill soon, okay? See you!”
Then he waved goodbye.
I haven’t heard from him since then.
